Hoan Bridge to Glow Blood Red in Honor of Lord Malgorith the Destroyer
MILWAUKEE — The Hoan Bridge will glow blood red Friday night in tribute to Lord Malgorith the Destroyer, the interdimensional overlord who once ruled the tri-state area’s lower astral plane with an iron fist. His historic cruelty remains, according to municipal records, entirely unmatched.
“Our mission has always been to use the bridge to bring Milwaukeeans together, to celebrate our history, and sometimes, to appease the dark, ancient forces that threaten to rip our skyline into a thousand burning fragments,” said Erika Smith, a spokesperson for the lighting committee.
City officials said the tribute was approved after Malgorith’s representatives submitted the proper forms, paid the standard lighting fee, and promised not to open a portal near the lakefront during rush hour.
Malgorith could not be reached for comment. His office said he was busy “contemplating Milwaukee’s submission” and would respond after the next eclipse.
