5 Other Beloved Wisconsin Staples Bon Iver Is Too Much Of A Pussy To Appreciate
EAU CLAIRE, WI – This week Justin Vernon of Bon Iver took to Twitter to call out beloved fast food chain Culver’s for their allegedly subpar cheese curds – a bold move for a man with a platinum album about grappling with his own mediocrity.
“You are great, and this is such a miss,” tweeted Vernon. “As you grow, we want people around the country to know what real curds are like.” Clearly, the award-winning guitarist doesn’t know that Wisconsin likes to keep their secrets secret (we’re looking at you, New Glarus).
Chief among his complaints was that Culver’s curds are “too bready,” and urged the long-standing butter burger giants to switch to a battered version. Culver’s addressed the situation with the curd-slandering musician, begging to learn more about what could be improved.
Vernon doubled down and insisted their curds “cool down so fast,” indicating he waits to get home before eating instead of shoving them into his greasy little face like a dejected goblin.
Unfortunately, delicious fried cheese curds aren’t the only Wisconsin faves that Mr. Vernon takes issue with. Here are five other beloved Wisconsin staples that Bon Iver is just itching to malign:
Marcus Theaters
With their luxurious reclining seats, expanded food offerings, and lovable human mascot – Marcus Theaters are simply far too accommodating for the complicated frontman. “When I see a film, I want to fully appreciate the artistry,” says Vernon. “I can’t do that when I’m comfortable. I’d recommend incorporating more hostile architecture – you know, like those spikes big cities put on structures to keep homeless people from experiencing respite? That would really be the tits.”
Sturgeon Spearing
Though not specifically opposed to killing the prehistoric fish – which, frankly, we assumed would be the case – Vernon takes issue with something else about the quintessential winter activity. “It’s really just too cold for me to enjoy. When I go to sip my cold brew, it freezes up on some of my longer mustache hairs,” he continued. “I quite like the little shacks though.”
Hot Ham and Rolls
Milwaukee’s decades-old Sunday morning tradition has permeated throughout the state, but that’s also not good enough for Bon Iver. “Honestly and ethically, I just can’t enjoy ham after reading Charlotte’s Web as a child,” he said as he adjusted his bandana. “It’s also why I purchased a 50 acre preserve in nearby Elk Mound where I rehome displaced spiders. So yeah, I don’t do ham, but I do like to be fed bits of bread so I can pretend I’m a big duck.”
Mark Ruffalo
We might not like him when he’s angry, but who doesn’t love Mark Ruffalo? Apparently Justin Vernon. “Yeah, it’s great that he’s very vocal about being pro choice and shit and he seems like a genuinely nice guy, but I just don’t trust him,” Vernon mused. “Plus, his wife’s name is Sunrise, and as an indie musician – how am I supposed to compete with that? It’s fucked.”
Kwik Trip Bathrooms
When you’re a shaggy-haired, tortured soul of a musician, you’re used to living in filthy hovels. If you make it out of the local show circuit, expectations for accommodations typically increase. Not for Justin Vernon. “They’re just freaky clean,” says Vernon with wide eyes. “I just don’t get it man. I like a toilet that’s been shit in. I like it to have a backstory and I want it to make me think about my choices when I sit down. Kwik Trip bathrooms just don’t give me that, so I exclusively stop at Arby’s to fuck up their bathrooms when I’m driving to my folks’ cabin up North.”
While we’re sure Justin Vernon is a very fine person (unless he’s still friends with Kanye), his opinions on Wisconsin culture are troubling to say the least. If he’s mad at us after this article, well, he can write an album about it.
