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Wisconsin Citizens Propose Replacing State Bird with the Culver’s Chicken Tender

MADISON – Are you sick of the stupid ass American Robin being our state bird? Well, apparently so was everyone else. 

Recently, a group of suburban moms started a petition to make the new state bird a Culver’s chicken tender. The petition has already garnered over 10,000 signatures – despite some initial skepticism over whether a chicken tender meets the requirements to be classified as a bird. 

The movement has gained some serious momentum over the past few weeks. “We’ve always been proud of our state bird, the American Robin,” says organizer Karen Smith. “But let’s be honest, when was the last time a robin brought joy to anyone’s life? A Culver’s chicken tender, on the other hand, brings happiness to everyone who gazes upon it.”

Some of the key arguments presented in the petition have rallied local support.  “I’m just finding out that Wisconsin isn’t even the only state that lays claim to that orange-breasted hussy,” says Jerome Vanderheiden, local ecologist and the foremost authority on Ornithophilia. “Both Michigan and Connecticut also share ‘our’ state bird. I don’t like that. I want a bird that doesn’t slut it up with other states, especially Michigan.” 

Others were put off by the foul sounding scientific name. “I’m sorry, but ‘turdus migratorius’ just sounds filthy,” says Nichole Haggerty of Hartford. “It sounds like traveling shit, which is exactly what the American Robin is.”

The last time a state successfully replaced a state bird was in 1957 when New York State replaced the Eastern Bluebird with a very agile sewer rat. 

Only time will tell if the petition will be successful, but one thing is for sure: if a chicken tender does become the new state bird, it will be one delicious victory for the people of Wisconsin.

Alonzo Rivera reporting

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