loader image

Why I Skipped the Northern Lights to Stare at My Phone

Monday night, celestial fireworks painted the night sky with ethereal colors. The northern lights danced above Wisconsin, and temporarily, the vapor of existence had meaning. Yet one man, cloaked in the mundane comfort of his Outagamie County living room, daringly defied the allure of this cosmic spectacle. Instead of partaking in the grand show, he chose to stare at his wonderful glowing rectangle, content with content, enchanted by the pixelated illusions of Netflix and the mind-numbing abyss of social media. 

That man is me. 

As the aurora borealis weaved a symphony of green, purple, and blue, I deftly maneuvered through episode after episode, indulging in the fictional escapades of imaginary characters. With every plot twist, I proclaimed my superiority over the whims of nature, asserting my dominion over the vastness of the cosmos from the depths of my sofa.

Truly, is anything more magnificent than checking out for the night to stream reruns and engage in endless scrolling? Could experiencing the wonders of the universe unfolding above your head beat that? I think not. 

And yeah, sure. Maybe the stars shimmered with amusement at this audacious creature’s brazen dismissal of cosmic magnificence. So what? The sublime wonderland of the night sky, with its swirling luminescence pales in comparison to the flickering glow of my TV and Apple Watch. 

Curtains of shimmering light performed a ballet magnifique for those unfortunate enough to tear their eyes away from their walled garden of virtual beauty. Not me! I’m all about the treasures unfolding in my phone.

Humanity was equipped with eyes crafted to witness awe-inspiring spectacles, which is why I choose to be astounded by the latest memes rather than the true marvels laid bare by the cosmos. Indeed, I am absolute in my determination to remain fossilized within the walls of my self-imposed isolation chamber. 

I am a champion. My cause? Apathy towards the useless wonders that once captivated our jackass ancestors.

Everyone knows that true enlightenment comes from memes, not observing nature’s artistic prowess and breathtaking spontaneity. I have chosen to exist as a void, a blank screen, forever empty, never having tasted the celestial delights that once beckoned. Clutched by the irresistible allure of notifications, I am merely a relic of humanity’s evolutionary voyage. 

So I’ll say it: I’m not ashamed of my steadfast commitment to shrinking my world to the confines of a screen.

And the northern lights? Fear not, dear reader, for they shall continue their ethereal dance without me, luminously gracing the heavens for the idiots who choose to embrace the grand tapestry of existence.

Gene Jackitt reporting

It’s nice to meet you.

Sign up to receive awesome content in your inbox, every month.

We don’t spam! Read our privacy policy for more info.



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Got The Scoop?