Milwaukee Polka Riot Turns into Regular Riot
MILWAUKEE – The evening began with joy and accordions, but it would end in terror and destruction and also accordions. The annual Milwaukee Polka Riot, usually a joyful event featuring a variety of alternative polka bands that blend punk, hip-hop and even The Beatles covers respectively with the oompah beats familiar to Milwaukeeans, went sauer when crowds began to get rowdy.
Attendee, Tony Blevins, told reporters, “It was somewhere around when Sgt. Sauerkraut’s Polka Band started their rendition of Twist and Kraut that the mood shifted. I can’t quite explain it. It’s like something started to take a hold of people.”
Eyewitnesses report that attendees began to block off S 6th St to build a crude fort out beer barrels and crates of cabbage. Eventually, a flagpole was erected and a pair of lederhosen bearing the words “In Tarerrel we trust” flown over the newly declared Republic of Polkastan.
The music continued through the night including a performance of Pimps of Polka by The Polkaholics, the national anthem of the new sovereignty. All the while, revelry continued to devolve into rebellion as Polka forces began taking territory across Walker’s Point.
Polkastan made quick allies with many of the area taquerias given the prevalence of Mexican polka as a mariachi staple.
Surprisingly, local gay bars have additionally pledged cooperation with Polkastan among unsubstantiated rumors circulating via Tik Tok that Chappell Roan will be “going polka” with her next album.
At press time, National Guard forces have set up at the Harley Davidson Museum and in an attempt to prevent Polka forces from crossing the Menomonee River.
