Donald Trump Shows Off New Gauges In First Press Conference Since Shooting

Former President Donald Trump recently showcased his new set of gauges at his first press conference since Saturday’s attempt on his life. Sources close to Trump disclosed that he has been making frequent trips to Hot Topic and has become a fan of Taking Back Sunday, which he listens to as a way to “really reflect on the whole life thing.”

Insiders report that the former president’s unexpected dive into emo culture began as a coping mechanism for dealing with thoughts about his own mortality. 

Trump’s personal aide confirmed that this newfound hobby isn’t just a temporary indulgence. “The former president is planning to stretch his earlobes to 25 millimeters by 2025,” the aide shared, nodding earnestly. “He’s really committed. Said something about setting goals and making emo great again.”

Trump, perhaps feeling the emotional weight of his own mortality, added, “Everyone has their own way of dealing with the inevitable, this is mine.”