Dirty Parking Lot Snow Pile “Absolutely Fuckin Pumped” About Snow Storm
MADISON – Happy January 105th, everyone! After our first week of regular temperatures above 70 degrees, everyone swiped right on Mother Nature only to realize they had been catfished by Old Man Winter again.
Could anyone blame them? A couple of sexy 80 degree days last week left mouths watering for more of that sexy, succulent, summer-esque weather – but lo and behold the soft-focus filter was slapped off their faces, revealing the crotchety wrinkled face of winter’s unshaven asshole.
While the rest of us scream into the abyss begging for spring’s return, there is one who basks in the delight of this wintry mix: the pile of dirty snow in the Target parking lot on Lien Road.
“I think it’s great. I’m absolutely fucking pumped for what the winter storm has to offer,” Dirty Snow Pile gleefully exclaimed. “I was sure I was a goner after last week.”
The dirty snow pile had dwindled to only a small blob of ice that was sealed in a protective chamber of parking lot dirt, debris, and cigarette butts prior to this past week’s snow storms.
“Once I cross the threshold of being more than 75% parking lot shit, I start saying my goodbyes,”
Dirty Snow Pile explained. “Even the family of opossums who lived in me over the winter moved out weeks ago.”
Now with several inches of snow blanketing the state as spring’s chastity belt, the dirty snow pile has been rejuvenated with new found confidence.
“Even just a couple inches of snow builds me back to full strength. After this, I’ll be back to enveloping a fourth of the entire parking lot again,” Dirty Snow Pile continued. “Plus I started developing a secondary layer of parking lot garbage insulation on top of the first. With a little luck, I think I can make it through the summer!”
The Dirty Snow Pile isn’t stopping at the prospects of summer survival. It has long range plans.
“Who knows. If I can get enough momentum, maybe I can qualify as the first human-made glacier. Then I can really start fucking shit up.”
Dr. Jonathan H. Dong reporting.
