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Aaron Rodgers To Undergo Emergency Mouth Closing Surgery

NEW YORK, NY – Aaron Rodgers spent another week sidelined from a ruptured Achilles tendon fueling rumors of an early return to the field, but new reports from Jets medical officials show his progress has been more modest than the loose-lipped quarterback has led NFL fans to believe. This has prompted the Jets medical team to recommend emergency mouth-closing surgery. 

For several years, Rodgers’ mouth-open situation has been concerning teammates and ownership alike. From public family feuds to bogus vaccination status to questioning 9/11, Rodgers’ open mouth has hampered his success for his entire career. 

“When we signed (Rodgers), we were aware of his preexisting  Mouthflappititus Assholeosis condition,” explained Jets lead physician Dr. Chadrick Chadchadchad, “but the extent of the damage was far worse than we expected at this stage in his career. We have no other option but to close the orifice completely.” 

Many wonder if the procedure is too-little, too-late for the aging star as his mouth has likely already created irreparable damage to his stellar statistical career. Most recently, Rodgers has been pumping up his faithful fan base with impossible dreams of returning for the end of the 2023 NFL season. 

“How the hell does Rodgers think he’ll be playing this season? The Achilles surgery recovery time for a young professional athlete is a minimum of nine months. The Super Bowl is four months after his injury and he’s half-way to 80  years old,” Chadchadchad fumed, “Is he that arrogant to think he’ll recover like Wolverine? (pause) Wait… yeah. He probably does think that. We just need to close that thing up.” 

Dr. Jonathan H. Dong reporting 

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