Trump Fucks Up Card Trick 13 Times; Vance Demands “Thank You” After Each Attempt
WASHINGTON D.C. – What was supposed to be a negotiation for a mineral deal devolved into an impromptu magic show that ended with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy storming out after President Donald Trump failed to correctly guess his card thirteen times in a row.
“After he got the first three guesses wrong, he started telling me I wasn’t doing it right,” Zelenskyy explained. “All the while, the Vice President started yelling at me to thank him. Thank him for what?”
After a fourth incorrect guess and hoping to get mineral discussions back on track, Zelenskyy took mercy on Trump, falsely stating that the ace of spades was indeed his card. Trump then started talking about mineral water, which spiraled into a tirade about how La Croix tastes like jizz from the ghost of a lime. As Trump continued to mindlessly pontificate a stream of incoherent, tangential thoughts, he failed at pulling Zelenskyy’s card nine more times before an upset Zelenskyy stormed out of the meeting followed by an angry J.D. Vance sarcastically yelling, “You’re welcome!”
“It was the greatest card trick. Most tremendous card trick,” Trump explained at a news conference afterward. “He disrespected the Oval Office. I practiced that card trick for like 15 minutes before he showed up. Disgraceful.”
White House officials offered no update on whether or not the meeting will be rescheduled, but reports indicate that Trump will likely prepare for future meetings with a new set of tricks, including a coin found in Zelenskyy’s ear or stealing Zelenskyy’s nose.
Dr. Jonathan H. Dong, Scott Chinsoda, and Wisconsin News Today Staff Contributed to this article.
