Squirrels Deemed “Not Cute Enough for Outrage” Over WI Oil Spill
JEFFERSON COUNTY, WI – An environmental outrage group has dismissed oil-covered squirrels from a local oil spill as “not cute enough for outrage.”
An Enbridge Energy pipeline spilled around 70,000 gallons of oil last November becoming the worst oil spill in Wisconsin history. Following an evacuation of the area, a team of environmental outrage experts was quickly dispatched to the spill location to assess the potential for public outrage.
Though the spill’s effects on the local wildlife is significant with an estimated $2 million clean-up price tag for clean-up, it was determined by the outrage team that this spill is not outrage worthy due to the lack of cute animals covered in oil.
The only animal the outrage experts observed covered in oil were a number of squirrels.
“It only works with powerful imagery of vulnerable animals paired with emotionally evocative music. This appeals to people’s compassion and empathy by guilting them into donating their money that a small fractions of it will actually be used for,” commented outrage leader Scat Von Spanksalot, “but people f*ckin hate squirrels.”
Known throughout Wisconsin as a tree rat, squirrels are in no sort of shortage at all with a female squirrel the potential to reproduce over 100 offspring in its annoying lifetime.
“They bark. They chew on power lines. They destroy bird feeders. They spread diseases… If we released a picture of an oil-covered squirrel, people would start donating to the oil companies.”
Dr. Jonathan H. Dong reporting.
