Gov. Evers Goes on G-rated Tirade after Trump Enacts Trade Tariffs
MADISON – Wisconsin Governor, and all-around gentle soul, Tony Evers let fly “A few choice words” in response to President Trump’s recent imposition of tariffs on some of the United States’ largest trade partners.
“Drat, double drat, triple drat,” began Evers during a press conference held in the rotunda of the State Capitol on Wednesday. He continued with a scathing, yet family-friendly, string of epithets which climaxed with, “shucky-darn, golly gee whizbang, razzafrazzin’, son of a Triscuit, bad-weather-on-a-Tuesday, cold-spaghetti, Tingle’s Rosy Rupeeland, Rachmaninov’s ghost, loose phalanges on a barbershop quartet!” He ended his diatribe with an oath that he’d “like to give that dandy of a plum-picker quite the branch off my apple tree!”
Kathy Evers, the Governor’s wife of over four decades, commented, “I’ve never seen Tony in such a tizzy. He couldn’t even focus on our nightly euchre game with the grandkids. Any time someone asked what was trump, he would respond, ‘a no-good, yellow-bellied, nuts-and-bolts-for-brains!’”
Sources from inside the Capitol have confirmed that, at some point on Wednesday afternoon, the words “TRUMP IS A NINNY” had been scrawled on the wall of a men’s restroom with a blue crayon. The culprit is still at large.
