Flaccid Brewers Launch Torpedo Nut Cups; Explode All Over Rockies
MILWAUKEE, WI – With the Milwaukee Brewers starting the 2025 season hovering around a mediocre .500 record, management launched their new protective “Torpedo Nut Cup” which enhanced the performance of their dick and balls in a 17-2 drubbing of the Colorado Rockies.
“It’s a long season, but I wasn’t happy with our crotch game. Too many nutsacks unspectacularly relegated to hiding under flat cups,” explained Brewers manager Pat Murphy, “We needed to invigorate that part of our game and we did exactly that tonight.”
The creator of Torpedo Cup, physicist Dr. Frank Cobra of Stanford, highlighted the ways the new cup enhances a player’s nut protection game.
“The old cup design was based on a musical dome shape that maximized vibrations upon impact leaving the player with that pukey, teeth rattling feeling” Cobra continued, “The Torpedo Cup absorbs the vibrations and sends the energy to the base of your balls with a sensation similar to a splendid taint flick. It appears the Brewers got precisely that.”
The league has yet to rule on the legality of the cups as to whether or not they are “performance-enhancing.”
Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.
