Christian Music Festival Lifest Comes Out Of Closet At Age 25, Changes Name To Bifest
OSHKOSH – Un-Bi-lievable! For its 25th birthday, the popular Christian music festival Lifest revealed that it’s gay, and has been gay for a long time now. This morning, prior to tonight’s kickoff shows, organizers of Lifest announced that the festival has come out of the closet as bisexual. The event is changing its name to Bifest and fully embracing the LGBTQ+ community. “Jesus loved men, women…everybody! And here at Lifest, we think it’s cool if you do, too!” explained spokesperson Lucius Turtle.
Bifest’s new rainbow-colored logo has left many devout Christians wondering what the world is coming to. The decision has also sparked outrage within conservative Christian circles. Dee Voute, a VIP on-stage seating pass holder of Lifest for 10 years, shared her opinion in a Facebook post. For Voute, a festival being bisexual goes against the teachings of the Bible she heard growing up. “Rainbows have always been an important part of Lifest, but not like this!”
Lifest officially came out of the closet at an intimate event hosted in a barn at Sunnyview Fairgrounds. Upon hearing the announcement, one nondenominational Oshkosh pastor leaped from his lawn chair and shouted “If Lifest is queer, the end is near!”
This news has understandably upset many of Lifest’s longtime supporters, who feel that the festival is betraying its homophobic roots by becoming the thing it seeks to destroy. Some have even called for a boycott of the event, stating that being gay is “the kind of sinful behavior that God really hates,” and that Bifest should, “Listen to less secular music, get re-baptized, and attend conversion therapy.”
Lifest founder Bob Lenz wept during the announcement. “Lifest is my baby, a party with the purpose of worshipping The Lord. I guess I didn’t realize you could do that and be gay. I just want Lifest to be happy and have dignity,” Lenz said through his tears, “And God made Lifest a bit fruity for a reason. Who am I to tell my pride and joy that God made them the wrong way?”
Bifest volunteers at the announcement said that they are excited about their free tickets and are thankful that God has trusted them with this opportunity to usher in a new era of inclusion and acceptance on Lifest’s holy fairgrounds.
Gene Jackitt reporting.
