Wisconsin Trainwrecks Show Support for Wisconsin Trainwreck

DE SOTO – After a train derailed in southwestern Wisconsin, The Wisconsin Trainwrecks Advocacy Group (WTAG) gathered to show support for the trainwreck. Piss Pantaloons, leader of the WTAG, expressed his growing frustration with the narrative around trainwrecks. 

“People hear about a trainwreck and just want to swoop in and fix everything,” slurred Pantaloons as he polished off a second bottle of an unmarked amber liquor, “I mean, perhaps the train is happy the way it is. You ever think about that? Huh? Did ya? Huh? Think about it. You didn’t, did you? Yeah. Wait. What was I saying? Something about the Brewers? And that’s why Christian Yelich should be a leadoff hitter.” 

The crowd of over fifty staggering middle-aged adults gathered around the wreckage located along the Wisconsin – Iowa border immediately south of the village of De Soto. Clean-up of the wreckage has been delayed due to the group’s presence combined with a growing amount of empty bottles and vomit at the wreckage site. 

After leading the group in chants through a bullhorn of “I’m not drunk! You’re drunk!”, Pantaloons then vomited and passed out with his leadership position being usurped by local De Soto trainwrecks Stephanie Boardman-Trussoni and Tiffani Gillespie-Boland. The duo then continued the rally by performing a slurred karaoke-style rendition of “Sweet Caroline”.

The railroad company BSFN Railway released the following statement regarding the delay in cleanup:

We are simply waiting for all the members of the WTAG to pass out before we begin cleanup because you can’t start cleaning up a trainwreck until it stops moving. 

Dr. Jonathan H. Dong reporting

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